Confession

My last post was September 29th. We’re looking at two months here, folks. I know I had promised to write more frequently, to be more consistent. But the last several months have been hard.

Ever since I had had Jordin I didn’t feel like myself. I blamed it partially on the stressful year I’d had. It’s practically impossible to feel like yourself when your life is flying off the tracks. So I ignored it. And ignored it some more.

Then, finally one day I was messaging my best friend over good ol’ Facebook, complaining.

I don’t feel like doing anything.
I just want to curl up in a blanket and watch Netflix all day long (which I did, quite often)
I feel like I’m failing at everything
My stupid boobs won’t work. I HATE pumping, pumping hates me. I CAN’T FEED MY BABY WITHOUT FORMULA?!?!
I don’t even have the motivation to shower
I just spend all day pumping, taking care of the kids, and doing nothing much else.

Just a lot of complaints. A ton of tears. And just generally feeling like crap about everything.

Her response “Have you thought to get checked for Postpartum Depression?”

Light bulb.

It made sense. What else could explain these unfamiliar feelings? I don’t have depression. I’m a pretty happy girl. Overly anxious most days, sure, but never depressed. I had damned good reasons to feel sad, confused, scared, and worried with everything that had been going on. But I have never found myself being actually depressed.

But for months I was crying all the time. Feeling like a failure. Feeling bitter and resentful towards everyone and no one at the same time. I would assure myself that Josh could handle everything with work and home if I just wandered off for a few weeks. I would snap at Josh for the smallest, innocuous, comments.

For example: I had just had a breakdown to Josh about not being able to take a shower that day because Jordin was on a roll. All he said was how about I go take one. “I’ve got Jordin. Go take your phone, listen to music, take a shower.” I flew off the handle. Tears, snot, and shrieking followed about how insensitive he was! I can’t, I have to pump! I don’t have time! Are you saying I smell?! Yada yada yada. Bless his heart, he let me have my mental breakdown. He rubbed my back as I mashed my face into his stomach, sobbing and snotting all over his shirt….calling him every name in the book. Once I calmed down he led me into the bathroom, waved away my apology, and made a pot of coffee for when I got out. God, I love that man.

I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to leave the house, which completely clashed with my desire to just pack up and disappear for a while. Forget the nice weather. Forget it all. I just want to sit in my ugly green chair and do nothing.

So after some long heart to heart discussions, I took some steps to get this figured out.

And in the last month or so, I’ve been doing so much better. I’m not 100%, but I’m no longer logging 7 hours every day on Netflix, eating Ramen and Mac and Cheese and chocolate because I have ZERO motivation to actually get off my butt and cook myself a healthy breakfast and lunch. I’m not sitting around with headaches because I can’t force myself to get up and fill my water bottle.

But I am shaving my legs more than twice a month…because I have the motivation to actually do more than just jump in and out of the shower. AND I am wearing more than just pajamas all day too.

Have you ever spent MONTHS taking off the dirty pajamas, showering, and changing into clean pajamas? I have.

I’ve even started writing again. I just hit 68,000 words last week!

Things were definitely heading into “Who is this homeless chick?” territory.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have those days. A few days ago, for example. I blazed through 7 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t shower. Didn’t change out of my pjs. Just didn’t do anything productive. But the following day I dragged my sorry butt into the shower. SHAVED. Wore real clothes. And I did some writing, played with the kids, and did the dishes…plus an episode or two of Grey’s. Not the most productive day, but infinitely better.

And look at me today. A blog post.

So that’s my confession. Postpartum depression.

Postpartum

It’s no joke. It’s scary to not recognize yourself during the time that you should be enjoying and embracing change. It’s terrifying to wake up one day and not want to move or do anything. And it’s heartbreaking to realize just how many times I had wondered if Josh would ask his sister or a stranger to watch our kids while he was at work…if I decided to just walk down the street and disappear for a few weeks.

I’m not usually one to admit when something to this degree is wrong. I’ll keep it deep deep inside so I don’t inconvenience anyone. But you know what? I’m going to inconvenience the heck out of people. Because I’m feeling better.

Because I’m proud of the fact that I’m inching towards normalcy. I’m proud of the fact that I’m smiling and laughing and joking more than I’m crying and snotting.

And I’m ecstatic over the fact that I’m proud of myself.

So, please bear with me. I’m trying my best to be me, I’m trying my best to take charge of my life again. I won’t blame you at all if you leave this blog and stop reading because “Holy crap, she posted three times last week, and only once this week. SLACKER” because this time around I can’t promise that I’ll be consistent. Because I just don’t know.

What I do know is that this too shall pass.

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Fall’s got me feeling blue

Good morning and happy Monday!

My last post, I talked about how much I love fall. Which is a ridiculous amount. For sure.

But my least favorite thing about fall. The inevitible bought of sickness. I’m one of those lucky people that as soon as the season changes begin, I’m usually in bed. Moaning, groaning, sniffling, coughing, with bits of tissue strewn all over the place. I guess, fall’s got me feeking more green than blue? It’s like clockwork. And this year was no different.

Sick again

Now that was back on the 15th, TWO WEEKS AGO. What starts off as a little stuffy nose slowly builds into a massive chest cold. Last year I ended up about two steps away from Pneumonia… breathing treatments, and steriod shot in the butt… the whole nine yards. When I get sick, it hits me like a freight train. So during this time, I try to be proactive and drink tons of water, get as much sleep as I can manage, and start dosing up with some good ol vitamin C. Sometimes it works, other times…not so much.

Hopefully there is an end in sight…soon. I’m sick of being sick.

And Jordin doesn’t like it at all. My obnoxious coughing and nose blowing keeps waking her up from her beauty sleep. In which case she’ll roll over and give me this look of pure annoyance. Little lady definitely has a bit of a ‘tude.

So…that’s that.

Here’s to feeling better and being able to actually enjoy fall!

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Happy Fall! (Weigh In day)

Happy first day of fall, everyone!

Autumn is my favorite season, hands down. It’s dry, cool, and smells pretty darned amazing. Tis the season of hoodies, leaves changing, cooperative hair, cider, pumpkin spiced everything, and HALLOWEEN! Seriously, I can’t wait. My birthday is also two weeks from today!

So needless to say I was feeling pretty optimistic about today, granted that has nothing really to do with my weight at all. But it’s hard to not feel good on one of the best days of the year. I get more excited about fall than I do Christmas.

This past week I’ve really been trying hard. Making sure that I’m eating well (nooo, Reese’s Pumpkins aren’t a breakfast food) and drinking more water. So fingers crossed I did better than last week.

Last weigh in: 239
This weigh in: 237.5
Total lost: 1.5

Let me sing from the rooftops for a moment!

Sure, 1.5 pounds doesn’t seem like that much. But I’m thrilled. I haven’t been actively trying to lose weight in well over a year. So to have anything lost, right off the rip, makes me feel amazing! Sure the happiness kind of dwindles down a bit when I remember the 6 pound gain from last week, but who cares? I’ve decided I’m not going to.

Success. Progress! At this point, any number that isn’t going up is a reason to celebrate! At least it is for me.

Makes me want to do a little jig. Hey, maybe I will.

I’m just going to sit here dancing in my seat and patting myself on the back. 1.5 pounds down and 72.5 to go!

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Blueberry Basil Compote

Let’s get one thing clear. I do not like blueberries. Those evil little, slimy, purplish, balls of dread. I, generally, don’t like how they taste or feel. Landon thinks I’m crazy because of that. He’ll finish off a pint every day if we’d let him. We’d probably save so much money just getting a blueberry plant (bush?). The only way I’ll eat blueberries is in pancakes, and sometimes even that is pushing it.

So imagine my dismay when Josh decided he wanted to slap blueberries on perfectly good french toast. Grrrr. But, in his defense we had some blueberries that needed to be used after Landon had already had his fill. So we decided on making a compote.

I love saying that we made a compote. It sounds so much fancier than it actually it. In case you’re wondering a compote is a fruit sauce. Super easy to make, and really yummy. They can be super sweet or even savory. We could have taken the extra time and processor to make a coulis (coolie), but decided on just making the compote.

So really quick. A compote/coulis is a fruit sauce that consists of fruit (dur) and a sugar syrup, like a simple syrup. The difference between a compote and a coulis is primarily the texture. A compote is chunky, the pieces of fruit are still identifiable. Whereas a coulis is with pureed fruit and makes more of a traditional sauce.

So, to kind of change things up a bit, we decided to throw some basil in it as well. We had a little garden with some herbs and such, and wanted to use them before they got attacked by the incoming downpours and eventual frost.

basil lovely

What?!?! Basil in fruit!?!? Are you mad!?!?!?

Maybe a little bit. But seriously, it’s really good. Very good. The basil totally makes whatever it is about the blueberries I dispise and throws it out the window. I could eat that stuff with a spoon, which is surprising to me.

So, I figured I’d share the recipe with you all.

Ingrediants
1 pint fresh blueberries
2 handfuls basil (half rough chop, half chiffonade)
2-3 TBS basil infused water
3 TBS sugar

Wait! What in the heck is a chiffonade cut?!?! Simplest term, it’s just cutting really thin ribbons of leafy greens. I’ll add a video (courtesy of Saveur.com) at the bottom of this page on how to do that.

So, here goes nothing!

1. Start wieh making a basil infused water. Easy, take about a cup of water on boil. Throw in one handful of the roughly chopped basil. Let this steep anywhere from 10-15 minutes, you really want to draw that flavor out into the water. More or less depending on how basily you want it to taste. Once that’s done, remove all the little pieces of basil and save the water. If you have it on hand already, great! If not, go ahead and get this out of the way.
2. In a sauce pan add HALF of the blueberries
3. Add 2-3 TBS of the basil infused water
4. Spinkle sugar on top, let this simmer away, stirring frequently. 10 minutes
5. Add last half of blueberries and fold them into the sauce (fold them in to maintain the shape and texture).

Blueberry Compote fixed

6. Add the last bit of basil and let simmer an additional 5 minutes, until it’s your desired thickness. We like ours fairly saucy. Stirring gently.

Done. Literally that easy.

If you don’t want to spend 15-20 minutes making it. It also can be as easy as just throwing everything into a sauce pan at once and simmering until everything breaks down and reduces. This does lose some of the texture though. The key is low and slow. You can also forgo the basil water, and just throw half the basil into the mix at the get go, and the other half near the end. Your choice.

basil blueberry french toast use

We poured ours over french toast. We’ve done the same thing with strawberries for pancakes, and mixed berries for sponge cake. And of course, we had to top ours off with a little bit of whipped cream and basil.

Seriously, it was so good.

I think I found a way to make blueberries delicious!

And as promised… video on how to Chiffonade…

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Whomp Whomp (Weigh in Wednesday)

Ahhh, weigh in day. I’m just going to get right out there with it.

Last Week: 232.3
Today: 239
Total GAINED:6.7lbs

Whomp whomp

This is kind of why I didn’t want to weigh myself. Dang it.

But to be completely frank, I can’t be too surprised. I’ve upped my water intake quite a bit, and I’ve been doing basic (easy) work outs, and I’ve been watching how much I’m eating and all that. Which should be a good indicator of “you’re gonna lose something.”

But come on, there is no other way to gain nearly 7 pounds in a week unless I’m eating an obscene amount. And even then, I’d have to eat some more. Don’t get me wrong, I gain weight fairly easy. I can look at a plate of nachos and my thighs explode.

But I’ve been doing a pretty good job. Sticking close to my calorie goals, moving and being active. So I’m chalking this up to either water weight or my body going “WHAT THE HECK, NICOLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME!” My gut enjoys being larger than life. My thighs live to be jiggly and soft. Unfortunately for them, I don’t agree.

While the number definitely bothers me, I can’t put too much stock into it. Knowing all the good-for-me changes I’m making, I can’t be upset about the number. While I’d love to see the scale go down, I actually feel pretty great after the last week or so, excluding this cold that is lingering.

I’ve slept better, I’m not as groggy, I’ve only gotten two headaches this past week (compared to nearly daily) which is all awesome. Which I’ll bet it’s from not sitting around muching all day and being properly hydrated.

Of course I don’t feel 800% better than I usually do. It’s still enough of a change to notice it. And if I feel that much better after a week, then I know my body is responding positively to the change. Fat cells, not so much. Water weight, not so much.

So, I just need to push through. That doesn’t mean I’m going to cut even more calories or exercise all my food away because I’m “desperate” to lose weight. But I’m definitely going to wait this out, sticking with what I’ve been doing the last week, and see where that gets me.

I’m proud of getting back on the wagon, and eating better, and actually moving. I know I’m doing a good job, and I’m not going to let the darned scale get me down. #preach

How many of you have noticed a large gain after a fairly good week?

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