CRUSHED THOSE GOALS

So, something obvious happened that for some reason I haven’t screamed from the rooftops, mainly because I felt like I had more important things to discuss (like bad habits and how crazy things had gotten. But now that all of that is out of the way…because this girl right here….today on December 14th….can officially say I HAVE CRUSHED THOSE GOALS.

I MADE IT TO ONEDERLAND!

That is HUGE for me! I’d been sitting at 198 pounds before I got pregnant with little lady.

Which, you know what else that means?

I’M AT MY PRE-PREGNANCY WEIGHT!

So I’m doubly happy!

Hold on… you know what else that means?

I HAVE OFFICIALLY LOST THE 50 POUNDS I GAINED BACK FROM PREGNANCY!

Triple happy!

So this is the second week in a row that I’ve tacked all THREE of those little things off of my list of “things I gotta do” and I’m over the moon. I’m trying not to think about the fact that it took me four years to do this. I’m really trying to not think about all the backsliding I’ve done in the last four years. And I’m definitely trying to not think of the fact that losing 50 pounds in four years is less than 10 pounds a year

Because, you know what? Who freaking cares how long it took me? I did it. I lost 50 pounds. I clawed my way back to ONEderland. I’m back at my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m only 17 itty bitty pounds away from my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER.

I’m allowed to be excited. I’m allowed to be thrilled. Because that is freaking fantastic. And I’m not going to let that little negative voice in my head (I think I’ll call her Nancy) make me feel anything less that PROUD! Because I not only hit ONE goal….I’ve hit three goals! Granted, that’s pretty easy to do when three mile markers for me are all essentially the same weight. But, I’m allowed…because it’s significant!

So, I’m gonna throw myself a little imaginary party with confetti, drum rolls, and rocking 90s music, and I’m gonna do a horrible little disco-esque dance about it too!

BECAUSE I DID ALL OF THAT!

Better Choices – Weigh in Wednesday

Listen up. This last week has been complete and utter shit show a challenge, and I’m working towards making some better choices. (LOOK AT THAT BETTER POSITIVE SPEECH RIGHT THERE!) But for real, didn’t make the best choices… but I have to say, I did pretty darned good at moving on and not obsessing about it. Granted, I’m a whopping two days out of that epiphany so the motivation is still strong… but still… I’m gonna take it.

All-in-all I definitely could have made some better choices. But the silver lining, I still make some pretty awesome choices in this past week.

Biggest bummer moment was that I did a ton of walking several days in a row, but I’d forgotten to charge my FitBit… dundundunnnnnnnn… Leave it to me to ignore the 99 million notifications that my battery was low. Oh well.

While it might have seemed like quite the shit show, I have to say it wasn’t the worst it could have gone.

So my last weigh in was the result of trying to fix some broken things I’d done to myself over the last several months. I’d gained back some weight I hadn’t lost in the best way, and then re-lost some weight. Phew. It was like the biggest drama fueled yo-yo moment of weight loss.

Of course, I’m not expecting things to magically get better over night. But I did have several opportunities that I could have completely messed up, and continued to mess up. Miraculously, I didn’t. Not sure where that came from (read: temporary motivation?).

So this week, I’m really practicing the whole moving on from “poor” decisions. I’m that kind of person that when I “mess up” I just overhaul and pretty much give up. It’s a “well, Monday is already screwed, might as well throw my hands up” kind of situation I’ve got going on.

But I didn’t. I ended my days strongly, even if they didn’t start out that way. Sure, there were days that I went way over my calorie intake, but I didn’t blow dinner…because I MADE BETTER CHOICES (did ya guess that??). Which all goes along the lines of that whole #progressnotperfection that I’m really falling in love with.

So anyways,

Last weigh-in: 198.8
This weigh-in: 198.2
Lost: .6
Total lost from highest: 65.8

So, .6 pound loss. Silver lining (again, there’s that phrase again) that’s over a half a pound down! Not what I was secretly hoping for, but I still made steps in the right direction. Might not have been on the scale… but there were definitely some non-scale victories in there!

I’ll take it!

Bad Habits to Break

These last three crazy months have been a lot of focusing on trying to break some bad habits.

I have a lot of bad habits that I have gotten over the last 10+ years, and a lot of them were reinforced repeatedly. And I’m really trying to get them under control.

You know, the typical drinking more water, watching what I’m eating, getting moving, you know all those things are habits that anyone who wants to lose weight wants to have as good habits.

But my worse habit is the way I talk about the things I’m doing. Not specifics, but more phrases. “I was really good!” or “I was bad, I ate more than what I’m supposed to.” Things like that. I don’t know why I’ve always done that. Talked about my weight/eating in terms of bad or good. Or saying things like “supposed to.” That’s my biggest struggle. I’m sure if you go through old posts, you’ll see stuff like that all over the place. Phrases like that aren’t helpful or good for me. It puts me in a block of what is “acceptable” or not.

Which, ironically, I don’t generally do that stuff consciously. It’s stuff that slips out, that I don’t think about. It’s become a horrible habit of mine to just say things like that. I’m big on the whole “low pressure weight loss” thing. If I want an ice cream sundae, sure, why not? It’s not bad or not naughty or wrong. That one decision isn’t something that is going to ruin all of my progress.

Same with the opposite. The days I have that are great days, water/eating/moving… I always tend to say that I did “good.” I don’t know why I feel the need to grade or gauge myself like that. Did I do something good for me? Absolutely! But putting it in a category like that, automatically makes me feel like anything short of that falls into a “bad” category.

That probably sounds like a real trivial thing to worry about. But sometimes, verbiage is the biggest thing that can make it harder for a person to accomplish the things they want to. It’s so much pressure to sit here and worry that if I eat the damn ice cream sundae if I’m being “bad” or making a “bad” choice.

I think “making better choice” is a good way to phrase things. I’m not always going to make GREAT choices. I’ll have days where I make choice that probably could have been better. But really, I’m not looking to make 100% great choices. I’m looking to make choices that will make me move towards my goal without taking away everything in my life that I enjoy (yes, including sundaes.)

The biggest thing is that I don’t want to feel guilty for having a “bad” food. I don’t want to feel guilty because I had a “good” day where I drank my water, hit 20k steps, and ate perfectly…. and then compare all other days to that “good” day.

It’s a lot of pressure that I don’t want or need. And I’ve fallen into that a lot. It’s nothing that I’m going to just “poof” stop saying or thinking… but it’s definitely things that shouldn’t cross my mind as much.

So, I’m actively trying to change the way I talk about my weight or losing weight. But I’m allowed to have days that could be better. I’m allowed to have awesome days without feeling like I’m setting this impossible line to reach.

It took a lot to realize that. And part of that was during that 3 months. That was the biggest thing I had to “get over” was when I was losing weight, it was a lot of “woah, I must be really doing good!” For example: when I’d hit 20,000 steps. I’d felt awesome, I’d said it was a really good day! And it was! But the very next day I barely hit 8,000 and I was so beat up about it. Like, crap, 8,000 steps for someone like me is still really good but I couldn’t connect that… because it wasn’t “20,000 steps good.”

I know, I know, we’re our own competition. But it’s only good for you if it’s something you can maintain, and doesn’t make you feel like crap later. Strive for doing better, not doing perfect!!!

#progressnotperfection

On the mend – Progress – Weigh in Wednesday

Yesterday’s post was a doozie, wasn’t it? Phew. But all-in-all I feel like I’m on the mend. Physically and emotionally. Which is great! Hello, progress… that is great!

One of the biggest things, weight related, that I had an issue with was dropping to 192 pounds. Normally, I would have been thrilled for that. But I knew it was far too quick, and wasn’t a conscious effort to treat my body the way it should be treated. It was all from walking 20,000+ steps per day and eating not nearly enough to compensate that.

Do me a favor. Never let yourself become too busy to take care of yourself. Ok?

Promise?

Anyways, like I said. I spent a lot of time fixing somethings. Leaving two out of three jobs. Taking a hard look at my life and my weight in general. Figuring out ways to make my life what I want out of it, not what I felt like it had to be because of money or jobs or whatever.

Took a while.

So, like I’d said. I had gotten down to 192 pounds.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that once I had time to eat like I was supposed to, and without the extra moving from the walking at my other two jobs, I gained weight.

I went from 192 pounds allllll the way back up to 205. I’d gained back close to 15 pounds. To be honest, there was a little bit of “well shit, that sucks” in there, but it reinforced the idea that I hadn’t lost the weight the right way. I figure that’s a good indication of not doing it right. My body rebelled and was like “FINALLY A FULL MEAL! PACK IT ON BEFORE THIS CRAZY PSYCHO TAKES IT AWAY AGAIN!” So it made me feel better to see the scale go up.

I’d like to apologize to my sweet little body for putting up with my crap.

So, that 205 was about 8 weeks ago.

So, here we are today!

Last weigh-in: 205
This weigh-in: 198.8
Lost: 6.2
Total lost from highest: 65.2

Yasssss!

I’m obviously not sitting at 192, but it’ll come.

So many little things changed. But the best things that changed was that I was eating more, and I had just started “trying” to exercise. To be perfectly honest, it was really nothing more than making sure I got my step goal in and then I dabbled in a couple of little things here and there.

But it boiled out to under a pound a week. Which is slow turtle-like progress. But at least it’s good progress.

So, I’ve been able to maintain that for a good 8 weeks. Of course some days were harder than others, some days I relished in lazy days with pajamas and Netflix. But hey, variety is the spice of life, right? So the goal is continuing.

Guess who is on her way to Pinterest to pin ridiculous amounts of motivational posts.

10 points to Slytherin if you said me!

A Stress Fueled Three Month Hiatus

So, obviously, I’ve been MIA for the last three months. I’m not even going to say “whoopise” because it wasn’t like I just forgot or kept postponing things, I’d made a choice for the sake of my stress. If that makes any sense at all.

Something you should know about me is when I’m stressed past my limit, I have a tendency to shut down. Like pulling all my reserve energy into a few select things, because quite frankly that’s all I can handle at the moment.

I’d just over packed my schedule. Way too much was on my plate at one moment. I’d had two jobs, three at one point where I was transitioning to another. My main job was taking up a lot of my time and a huge part of my stress. Home life was going crazy between drama, lack of time, and so forth. There was just so much going on in my life I couldn’t keep up with.

I’m big on mental health. And I tell people all the time that I firmly believe in mental health days. You know, if you break your leg you aren’t going to be walking around on it the next day…you need time to let that heal. Mental health is the same thing.

Now realistically, I don’t have the ability to just drop everything for a few days and focus on destressing and decluttering my mind. But there were several things that I could drop to give myself the opportunity to breathe and think.

First to go were my other jobs. While I loved one of them and, honestly, hated the other, it was one of those moments of “is the extra money worth what all I’m missing out on?” In the grand scheme of things, they weren’t. To be 100% honest, there was a way I could go about that, and I didn’t. It was a panic fueled decision. And after the panic and guilt went away, I felt marginally better.

The second thing to go was the blog. Not permanently, of course. Between 70-80 hour work weeks I was finding less and less to blog about. Simply because I didn’t have any time to do anything except work, try and find time to spend time with my family, and still somehow eat and sleep in there too. I really didn’t want to be one of those people who threw out fluff pieces just to maintain a consistent blogging schedule, because I didn’t do anything other than work. And let’s face it, no one wants to come to a blog to read about someone’s job, which I can’t write about anyways.

So the blog went next. Which sucked. I love my little piece of the internet I’ve got over here. But I wasn’t going to force myself to write crap posts about absolutely nothing, when that time could be spent getting a handle on my brain. You know? It was honestly the harder of the two choices.

Thirdly, my physical health kind of went out the window. Which I guess makes sense. Mental health is connected to physical health, and if one is down the other is too. That’s not to say that I completely ignored it. But it was the same kind of choice.

I could force myself to count my calories, or I could just be happy that I managed to remember to actually eat something more than a quick lunch that day. I could ignore exercise for a few weeks months, or I could use that extra 30-45 minutes for sleep or family time…which I desperately needed.

Because of that, I found myself sitting at 192 pounds. Normally, I would have been ecstatic about that. Not this time around. Because I knew that I wasn’t finding the time to eat enough to maintain the busier life I was leading. If someone has found the secret to making sure you have enough time to eat in a 20 hour day. Please, please, let me know!

So yeah, things back pedaled quite a bit. But I’m moving back towards feeling better. And yeah, three months, there hasn’t been a huge change in my stress levels. I’m still really stressed 99% of the time. But I’m managing it better. I can give more to my family, more to my job, and more to me.

So, I’m back as much as I can be. In the last three months I have cleaned up some things in my life, gotten more time out of it too. I can’t promise that I’ll be posting three times a week or whatever thing I set up. But I can try to continue to post about the more “worthy things” that I have found time to do.

If you’ve stuck with me through these last three months, thank you! If you hightailed it outta here, I can’t blame you!

Cheers to feeling better!