Caffeine is here to stay

I feel like crap. I’m grouchy, irritable, and have a constant headache. Why? Because I’m starting to make real progress trying to decrease caffeine.

Remember back in August when I declared I was going to detox from caffeine?

Yeah, it sucks.

I tried and failed several times from August through October. At the smallest hint of a headache, I was sipping down more coffee trying to avoid THE headache. Granted, I’m generally always having a headache. Excedrin Tension is never too far away (I have a high stress job, ya’ll… no judgement). But caffeine headaches are a much bigger deal.

Well, within the last two weeks, I’ve started again. Making progress, but still it sucks. It’s recommended to cut back on coffee 1/4 every three days. And considering how much freaking coffee I drink. Both my coffee “mug” and my travel mug are 20 ounces. I’m only decreasing 5 ounces EVERY THREE DAYS. It’ll take me 5 months to be completely off caffeine. Five freaking months.

I highly doubt that I’ll completely stop drinking coffee. I’m hoping I can just get to the point where I don’t feel like I need coffee to make it through the day. I’ll still enjoy a nice steaming much of decaf gag or have a blended latte once in a while.


My glorious 20oz Harry Potter mug

Which, let me tell you. A blended latte (or frappachino for you Starbucks people out there) CANNOT be made with Decaf… because the coffee shop around here uses HOT freaking espresso. Which makes it soupy and gross. Imagine an iced latte but with a scoop of powder in it. ICK. The ice is literally melted before they blend. Not. Ok. You hear me, baristas? For the sake of blended decaf drinks everywhere… PLEASE HAVE SOME COLD DECAF ESPRESSO ON HAND LIKE YOU DO FULL CAFF <--- see what I mean? I'm grouchy. Though, I was a barista at that same coffee shop long ago, and I have a trick for that if you want it... pour your hot decaf in the blender, add your cold milk with A FEW ice cubes, let it sit for a minute while you add your syrups/powder so it can at least get room temp, THEN add your ice. It’ll help, I promise. Takes all of 45 seconds longer, and your decaf drinkers will thank you

Anyways. I’ve managed to cut down almost a full coffee mug in the last two weeks, and have only had a mild headache everyday. Is that a win?


See! I’ve even been tracking it!

For all of you caffeine-aholics out there hoping to decrease the amount you need to survive… I wish you well. I wish you luck. And for what it’s worth, you’re allowed to dream about coffee. You’re not allowed to imagine your friends as giant mugs of steaming goodness.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to log in how much caffeine I’ve had, and take a nice dose of caffeine free headache medicine.

Enjoy!

Freaking Frustrating

This losing weight business is so freaking frustrating.

It’s one of the harder things to do in life.

And this is coming from someone who has carried a child…twice… for 9 months.
Someone who wrote a freaking novel
Someone who has MASTERED THE ART OF SUDUKO IN SCHEDULING FORM (ok, that last one is a stretch)

But for real.

The idea of losing weight for me has always been that it’s pretty easy. Realistically, the idea of it is.

Eat less.
Drink more water.
Move more.

Yay! Weight loss!

Eat Less
Yes, it’s easy to eat less. But for fucks sake, it’s fall. Which means PUMPKIN EVERYTHING. I’ll totally admit I’m one of those girls who turn into a pumpkin come September. Because ALL THINGS PUMPKIN. In the last month I have had more than my fair share of pumpkin lattes, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, and pumpkin cupcakes. And we’re barely one month in. Ohmylanta.

The job I have makes it all too easy to have “lunch meetings” with my supervisor and our team. But for cheese and rice, that means “Let’s get out of here, I’m hangry” is a term that’s said a lot. Or $5 on pizza for our weekly meetings? Or hitting up Wendy’s or A&W or Burger King? And of course… Chubby Nicole is all over that. Though, the last time I had actually just eaten the lunch I packed (spinach wrap with turkey, spinach, mushroom, and deliciousness) before she showed up growling “Fooooood, nowwwww.” So I just sat like a creeper while they ate.

Disclaimer part A: No, my boss didn’t actually sound like that (or did she???).
Disclaimer part B: Had she stopped by 10 minutes earlier, that poor little wrap would have been long since forgotten as I plowed through my Baconator. Just sayin

Drink More Water
I love water. Generally drinking more water isn’t a hard thing for me to do. Especially considering the fact that I have about four different water bottles I use for this. But if you remember one of my last posts I have a hugeslight issue with caffeine. As in coffee. As in I drink mostly coffee. Which, back when I wrote that post I was dealing with a pretty nasty headache due to a lack of coffee…so I decided I was going to swear off coffee. Want to know how that is coming along?

About like that. *She says as she fills her BRAND NEW Maruader’s Map 20oz glow-in-the-freaking-dark coffee mug to the brim with fresh coffee*

So, yes. I am drinking more water…but not less coffee. Which means I’m peeing all.the.time. But, hey. I’m at least drinking water right?

And last but not least…

Move More
How bout nah.
How am I supposed to exercise when I’m chasing two kids around, editing a novel, working 45-50 hours a week, and there is a VERY IMPORTANT SERIES I MUST CATCH UP ON NETFLIX?
A.k.a I’ve been using every excuse in the book to just not. Bad Nicole. Bad Nicole. I get it. Now, I’m still doing my bedtime yoga, and feeling pretty accomplished because my hips are not nearly as tight (after four freaking months). But other than that, my activity level is firmly set in the “sedentary” category.
Yep.

Yep.

So, anyways.

I can only imagine what my weigh-in is going to bring on Wednesday. Considering my last weight in was, ohhhh, seven weeks ago.

Can I convince myself that any weight gain is worth it? You know, because it’s PUMPKIN SPICE?????

No?

Ok then. I guess I should probably stop saying “weight loss is freaking frustrating” when in reality it’s “weight loss is freaking frustrating because I wanna eat everything, drink coffee, and do lots of sitting.”

Accurate.

#goals

We’re talking about goals here, folks.

For some reason, all I can hear is Rihanna hollering “Goals” to the tune of “workworkworkworkwork.” Don’t ask me why, I’m currently working off of very little sleep and even less coffee.

But, I was going to write this whole long post of all of my fitness/weight related/non-scale victory goals. And realized how in the world am I going to keep updating them without just copying posts or digging through archives.

So I’ve made a whole new page!

So go visit my goals page. I had that list of goals for a while, I even had the goals page sitting in my unpublished list of pages. I just never got around to finishing it. Which is why you’ll see my first goal “crossed off” from 2015.

But I have a whole slew of goals. Some are number goals…losing a certain amount of weight. Getting back under 200! Losing a certain percentage of my starting weight. That’s pretty obvious.

Then there are the Non-scale victory goals.

Things like running a 5k, pull ups and push ups, wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes without bursting the seams. That kind of stuff.

Eventually (as in soon) I’d like to have little rewards for when I hit certain mile stones. Like dying my hair for the first time in 2 years… little things to work towards. As though hitting the milestones aren’t reward enough, amirite?

So. Go visit my page. Take a looksee.

While you do that, I’m doubling up on the coffee.

Confession

My last post was September 29th. We’re looking at two months here, folks. I know I had promised to write more frequently, to be more consistent. But the last several months have been hard.

Ever since I had had Jordin I didn’t feel like myself. I blamed it partially on the stressful year I’d had. It’s practically impossible to feel like yourself when your life is flying off the tracks. So I ignored it. And ignored it some more.

Then, finally one day I was messaging my best friend over good ol’ Facebook, complaining.

I don’t feel like doing anything.
I just want to curl up in a blanket and watch Netflix all day long (which I did, quite often)
I feel like I’m failing at everything
My stupid boobs won’t work. I HATE pumping, pumping hates me. I CAN’T FEED MY BABY WITHOUT FORMULA?!?!
I don’t even have the motivation to shower
I just spend all day pumping, taking care of the kids, and doing nothing much else.

Just a lot of complaints. A ton of tears. And just generally feeling like crap about everything.

Her response “Have you thought to get checked for Postpartum Depression?”

Light bulb.

It made sense. What else could explain these unfamiliar feelings? I don’t have depression. I’m a pretty happy girl. Overly anxious most days, sure, but never depressed. I had damned good reasons to feel sad, confused, scared, and worried with everything that had been going on. But I have never found myself being actually depressed.

But for months I was crying all the time. Feeling like a failure. Feeling bitter and resentful towards everyone and no one at the same time. I would assure myself that Josh could handle everything with work and home if I just wandered off for a few weeks. I would snap at Josh for the smallest, innocuous, comments.

For example: I had just had a breakdown to Josh about not being able to take a shower that day because Jordin was on a roll. All he said was how about I go take one. “I’ve got Jordin. Go take your phone, listen to music, take a shower.” I flew off the handle. Tears, snot, and shrieking followed about how insensitive he was! I can’t, I have to pump! I don’t have time! Are you saying I smell?! Yada yada yada. Bless his heart, he let me have my mental breakdown. He rubbed my back as I mashed my face into his stomach, sobbing and snotting all over his shirt….calling him every name in the book. Once I calmed down he led me into the bathroom, waved away my apology, and made a pot of coffee for when I got out. God, I love that man.

I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to leave the house, which completely clashed with my desire to just pack up and disappear for a while. Forget the nice weather. Forget it all. I just want to sit in my ugly green chair and do nothing.

So after some long heart to heart discussions, I took some steps to get this figured out.

And in the last month or so, I’ve been doing so much better. I’m not 100%, but I’m no longer logging 7 hours every day on Netflix, eating Ramen and Mac and Cheese and chocolate because I have ZERO motivation to actually get off my butt and cook myself a healthy breakfast and lunch. I’m not sitting around with headaches because I can’t force myself to get up and fill my water bottle.

But I am shaving my legs more than twice a month…because I have the motivation to actually do more than just jump in and out of the shower. AND I am wearing more than just pajamas all day too.

Have you ever spent MONTHS taking off the dirty pajamas, showering, and changing into clean pajamas? I have.

I’ve even started writing again. I just hit 68,000 words last week!

Things were definitely heading into “Who is this homeless chick?” territory.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have those days. A few days ago, for example. I blazed through 7 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t shower. Didn’t change out of my pjs. Just didn’t do anything productive. But the following day I dragged my sorry butt into the shower. SHAVED. Wore real clothes. And I did some writing, played with the kids, and did the dishes…plus an episode or two of Grey’s. Not the most productive day, but infinitely better.

And look at me today. A blog post.

So that’s my confession. Postpartum depression.

Postpartum

It’s no joke. It’s scary to not recognize yourself during the time that you should be enjoying and embracing change. It’s terrifying to wake up one day and not want to move or do anything. And it’s heartbreaking to realize just how many times I had wondered if Josh would ask his sister or a stranger to watch our kids while he was at work…if I decided to just walk down the street and disappear for a few weeks.

I’m not usually one to admit when something to this degree is wrong. I’ll keep it deep deep inside so I don’t inconvenience anyone. But you know what? I’m going to inconvenience the heck out of people. Because I’m feeling better.

Because I’m proud of the fact that I’m inching towards normalcy. I’m proud of the fact that I’m smiling and laughing and joking more than I’m crying and snotting.

And I’m ecstatic over the fact that I’m proud of myself.

So, please bear with me. I’m trying my best to be me, I’m trying my best to take charge of my life again. I won’t blame you at all if you leave this blog and stop reading because “Holy crap, she posted three times last week, and only once this week. SLACKER” because this time around I can’t promise that I’ll be consistent. Because I just don’t know.

What I do know is that this too shall pass.

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A Smoothie Challenge

I’ve been on a smoothie kick and decided that I was going to do my own little 30 day smoothie challenge. Of course these are popping up all over the internet…but most of them are for “green” smoothies. So I figured I’d go ahead and give it ago, sans the “green” part. Don’t get me wrong, I love adding spinach to my smoothies…but sometimes the color make me queasy. Strawberry + Spinach = grey or brown. Not too appetizing. So we went out and picked up some smoothie making stuff. Granted you can slap just about anything into a blender with ice and call it a smoothie but in honor of a smoothie challenge, I’m going to do a different smoothie every day for a month. Yup. A whole 30 days.

I found this cute picture on WellVegan.com that’s kind of a Smoothie Making 101.

smoothies 101
Super simple. Now, of course, I’m not vegan… so I don’t use tofu or whatnot. But regardless…I still thought it was super cute.

1. Throw in a liquid – I’m fond of Almond Milk or Green Tea
2. Throw in a fruit – fairly self explanatory
3. Throw in a protein – I tend to use Greek Yogurt or protein powder
4. Toss in a veggie – I love to use spinach or carrots
5. Toss in some extras – chia seeds, flaxseed oil, seasonings, coco powder, hell I’ve used coconut flakes
6. Add in your healthy fats – I usually don’t do this mainly because I don’t have an issue anymore with getting fats into my diet
7. Throw in Ice
8. Blend, blend, blend

Now of course all these aren’t super necessary, but all in all it gives a good indication to what to throw into a smoothie. Which, suprisingly, is what a lot of people ask when I tell them I love smoothies.

“Um, how do you make a smoothie?” And don’t judge, but I had to look it up myself. I didn’t realize that it was more than just fruit and water. Yeah.

My biggest problem with smoothies is finding the time to make them. Taking the time to get all the crap together, and portioned, and cut… and then don’t even get me started on random bags of left over slimy spinach because it goes bad so quickly.

So I went ahead and spent an hour making easy little grab and go bags for my smoothies. I’ve done it before well over a year ago, and thought it’d be a good idea to bring it back. So I did.

fruit baggies use

Landon and I made 10 bags of fruit with smoothies between the two of us. Landon even wanted to label his. He got a little “But mooooooommmmmm” when I told him he didn’t need to worry about the calories in it. So he ended up just writing and copying one of mine. Ha. Silly boy.

Landon's smoothie use

Now now in the morning (or whenever I decide I want a smoothie) all I’ve got to do is grab a baggie, throw in my liquid and most likely yogurt and blend away. I won’t even need as much ice since the fruit is already frozen.

I’ve read some people actually go through and freeze yogurt cubes as well, which I’m seriously considering doing next time just to be able to cut down time even more, and I won’t have to worry about wasting yogurt either. So, it definitely sounds good to me.

But all-in-all I’m feeling pretty great about my smoothie challenge. Not really going about trying to “beat” anyone, and there isn’t a prize at the end of my blender tunnel. But it’ll still be fun I think.

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