Confession

My last post was September 29th. We’re looking at two months here, folks. I know I had promised to write more frequently, to be more consistent. But the last several months have been hard.

Ever since I had had Jordin I didn’t feel like myself. I blamed it partially on the stressful year I’d had. It’s practically impossible to feel like yourself when your life is flying off the tracks. So I ignored it. And ignored it some more.

Then, finally one day I was messaging my best friend over good ol’ Facebook, complaining.

I don’t feel like doing anything.
I just want to curl up in a blanket and watch Netflix all day long (which I did, quite often)
I feel like I’m failing at everything
My stupid boobs won’t work. I HATE pumping, pumping hates me. I CAN’T FEED MY BABY WITHOUT FORMULA?!?!
I don’t even have the motivation to shower
I just spend all day pumping, taking care of the kids, and doing nothing much else.

Just a lot of complaints. A ton of tears. And just generally feeling like crap about everything.

Her response “Have you thought to get checked for Postpartum Depression?”

Light bulb.

It made sense. What else could explain these unfamiliar feelings? I don’t have depression. I’m a pretty happy girl. Overly anxious most days, sure, but never depressed. I had damned good reasons to feel sad, confused, scared, and worried with everything that had been going on. But I have never found myself being actually depressed.

But for months I was crying all the time. Feeling like a failure. Feeling bitter and resentful towards everyone and no one at the same time. I would assure myself that Josh could handle everything with work and home if I just wandered off for a few weeks. I would snap at Josh for the smallest, innocuous, comments.

For example: I had just had a breakdown to Josh about not being able to take a shower that day because Jordin was on a roll. All he said was how about I go take one. “I’ve got Jordin. Go take your phone, listen to music, take a shower.” I flew off the handle. Tears, snot, and shrieking followed about how insensitive he was! I can’t, I have to pump! I don’t have time! Are you saying I smell?! Yada yada yada. Bless his heart, he let me have my mental breakdown. He rubbed my back as I mashed my face into his stomach, sobbing and snotting all over his shirt….calling him every name in the book. Once I calmed down he led me into the bathroom, waved away my apology, and made a pot of coffee for when I got out. God, I love that man.

I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to leave the house, which completely clashed with my desire to just pack up and disappear for a while. Forget the nice weather. Forget it all. I just want to sit in my ugly green chair and do nothing.

So after some long heart to heart discussions, I took some steps to get this figured out.

And in the last month or so, I’ve been doing so much better. I’m not 100%, but I’m no longer logging 7 hours every day on Netflix, eating Ramen and Mac and Cheese and chocolate because I have ZERO motivation to actually get off my butt and cook myself a healthy breakfast and lunch. I’m not sitting around with headaches because I can’t force myself to get up and fill my water bottle.

But I am shaving my legs more than twice a month…because I have the motivation to actually do more than just jump in and out of the shower. AND I am wearing more than just pajamas all day too.

Have you ever spent MONTHS taking off the dirty pajamas, showering, and changing into clean pajamas? I have.

I’ve even started writing again. I just hit 68,000 words last week!

Things were definitely heading into “Who is this homeless chick?” territory.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have those days. A few days ago, for example. I blazed through 7 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. Didn’t shower. Didn’t change out of my pjs. Just didn’t do anything productive. But the following day I dragged my sorry butt into the shower. SHAVED. Wore real clothes. And I did some writing, played with the kids, and did the dishes…plus an episode or two of Grey’s. Not the most productive day, but infinitely better.

And look at me today. A blog post.

So that’s my confession. Postpartum depression.

Postpartum

It’s no joke. It’s scary to not recognize yourself during the time that you should be enjoying and embracing change. It’s terrifying to wake up one day and not want to move or do anything. And it’s heartbreaking to realize just how many times I had wondered if Josh would ask his sister or a stranger to watch our kids while he was at work…if I decided to just walk down the street and disappear for a few weeks.

I’m not usually one to admit when something to this degree is wrong. I’ll keep it deep deep inside so I don’t inconvenience anyone. But you know what? I’m going to inconvenience the heck out of people. Because I’m feeling better.

Because I’m proud of the fact that I’m inching towards normalcy. I’m proud of the fact that I’m smiling and laughing and joking more than I’m crying and snotting.

And I’m ecstatic over the fact that I’m proud of myself.

So, please bear with me. I’m trying my best to be me, I’m trying my best to take charge of my life again. I won’t blame you at all if you leave this blog and stop reading because “Holy crap, she posted three times last week, and only once this week. SLACKER” because this time around I can’t promise that I’ll be consistent. Because I just don’t know.

What I do know is that this too shall pass.

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A Smoothie Challenge

I’ve been on a smoothie kick and decided that I was going to do my own little 30 day smoothie challenge. Of course these are popping up all over the internet…but most of them are for “green” smoothies. So I figured I’d go ahead and give it ago, sans the “green” part. Don’t get me wrong, I love adding spinach to my smoothies…but sometimes the color make me queasy. Strawberry + Spinach = grey or brown. Not too appetizing. So we went out and picked up some smoothie making stuff. Granted you can slap just about anything into a blender with ice and call it a smoothie but in honor of a smoothie challenge, I’m going to do a different smoothie every day for a month. Yup. A whole 30 days.

I found this cute picture on WellVegan.com that’s kind of a Smoothie Making 101.

smoothies 101
Super simple. Now, of course, I’m not vegan… so I don’t use tofu or whatnot. But regardless…I still thought it was super cute.

1. Throw in a liquid – I’m fond of Almond Milk or Green Tea
2. Throw in a fruit – fairly self explanatory
3. Throw in a protein – I tend to use Greek Yogurt or protein powder
4. Toss in a veggie – I love to use spinach or carrots
5. Toss in some extras – chia seeds, flaxseed oil, seasonings, coco powder, hell I’ve used coconut flakes
6. Add in your healthy fats – I usually don’t do this mainly because I don’t have an issue anymore with getting fats into my diet
7. Throw in Ice
8. Blend, blend, blend

Now of course all these aren’t super necessary, but all in all it gives a good indication to what to throw into a smoothie. Which, suprisingly, is what a lot of people ask when I tell them I love smoothies.

“Um, how do you make a smoothie?” And don’t judge, but I had to look it up myself. I didn’t realize that it was more than just fruit and water. Yeah.

My biggest problem with smoothies is finding the time to make them. Taking the time to get all the crap together, and portioned, and cut… and then don’t even get me started on random bags of left over slimy spinach because it goes bad so quickly.

So I went ahead and spent an hour making easy little grab and go bags for my smoothies. I’ve done it before well over a year ago, and thought it’d be a good idea to bring it back. So I did.

fruit baggies use

Landon and I made 10 bags of fruit with smoothies between the two of us. Landon even wanted to label his. He got a little “But mooooooommmmmm” when I told him he didn’t need to worry about the calories in it. So he ended up just writing and copying one of mine. Ha. Silly boy.

Landon's smoothie use

Now now in the morning (or whenever I decide I want a smoothie) all I’ve got to do is grab a baggie, throw in my liquid and most likely yogurt and blend away. I won’t even need as much ice since the fruit is already frozen.

I’ve read some people actually go through and freeze yogurt cubes as well, which I’m seriously considering doing next time just to be able to cut down time even more, and I won’t have to worry about wasting yogurt either. So, it definitely sounds good to me.

But all-in-all I’m feeling pretty great about my smoothie challenge. Not really going about trying to “beat” anyone, and there isn’t a prize at the end of my blender tunnel. But it’ll still be fun I think.

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Being Healthy?

I talk a lot of being healthy, and getting healthy. It’s one of the top reasons why I am (attempting) losing weight. But there is way more than that. Sure, I know I’ll be healthier when I am at a good weight… less chance for all that scary stuff.

I also want to make sure that I am healthy in other aspects of my life. So I am going to start visiting a doctor more regularly. Ok, ok, well… how about just regularly in general.

I typically avoid the doctor. I don’t even have a “regular physician.” There haven’t been many times that I have actually went and visited one. If I’m sick I just kind of deal with it… otherwise I check myself into the ER if there is something I am really concerned about. Like the time I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Seriously, I thought I was dying… doesn’t help I looked up my “symptoms” online, which of course several other “symptoms” started popping up. Checked myself in, got all hooked up in 2.5 seconds… blood tests, the whole nine yards.

I found out that I had just gotten heartburn for the first time ever, not knowing why my chest “hurt” I panicked and gave myself a full blown anxiety attack. Yeah… there are reasons I don’t go to the doctor. I don’t like those moments where I think there is something wrong, the doctor kind of gives me this indulgent look. I know he was laughing his ass off in the backroom after I left. Yeah.

It mainly why I try to take care of myself. But I have kind of kicked my own butt into realizing that I don’t know everything and WebMD isn’t a big help for someone who sees symptoms in everything.

At this point I am trying to get a ton of doctor’s appointments settled and under my belt. The whole nine yards. It’s kind of strange, I have all these doctors for Landon, but not for myself…so it’s kind of daunting to think of all the stuff I should be getting. So I’ve already got my lady doctor appointment all sorted out, getting my dentist sorted, and I’m looking to get a regular doctor for physicals and all that jazz.

I’m not getting all these appointments because I’m thinking something is wrong, but rather to make sure that I am doing ok in the “me being healthy” scheme of things. It just kind of feels important.

It’s been years since I have visited a regular doctor. Usually I just kind of drop in for an appointment (like when I visited the dietitian eons ago) and never go back. But I would actually like to start going at least annually to make sure everything is kosher.

So I’ve been a little phone crazy lately just to try and get all these appointments. And I’m actually quite proud of myself for taking the steps to get into the doctors. So we’ll see how it all goes…and after the initial appointments, I’ll have to make a point to continue going. Haha. Yeah.

How important are doctor’s visits to you?

Get Active!

 Get Active

Get moving! It’s really that simple. Do whatever you want to do that is going to get your heart rate up! I know, I know….exercise is EVIL….I agree wholeheartedly. My idea of a good time is NOT working out. Getting sweaty and out of breath is not my idea of fun….as soon as I call something “exercise” I INSTANTLY hate it….but it is totally possible to exercise get active without calling it that.

I do not like exercising at all. I’m totally guilty of that. If exercising was in the form of reading a book, then I would be all set. The whole idea of exercising is just repugnant to me. The whole heavy breathing and soreness is “torture and insanity” in my language. And don’t even get me started on being sweaty. I hate sweat. If there was one bodily function that I would put a stop to, it would be sweating. But it’s a necessary evil.

You don’t have to dive into the tank of “athletic people.” You know the typical things people think of when they hear exercise. Running. Lifting weights. That kind of thing. There are so many different options out there, you are bound to find something.

Really anything! I lost my first 30 pounds by walking 1/2 hour every night. It doesn’t have to be a gym membership…but if you like the idea, then do it!. Do something that you can learn to love. Set aside time to do it! (My BIGGEST problem). Josh has a shakeweight…hurts a helluva lot, but I’m kind of addicted…. prepare for a 5k…. join a roller derby team (BTW…if anyone from my hometown is reading this…we NEED one!!!)

It really just that simple. Get active. No one cares what kind of things you do to get active. There isn’t a rule on what activities you should do, or what you shouldn’t do. My thought…as long as it burns calories…you’re in a good place.

There are so many things that you can try out. Just because you start something doesn’t mean you are stuck there forever. I tried out the gym, wasn’t too much fun (until I went with my little sister) so I don’t make a point to go. I tried out boxing, and I love it…so it’s something that I would like to continue.

Seriously….do ANYTHING!!!! Just get up and move.

Motivation!!!

Every single person needs some kind of motivational tool…hell, I have NUMEROUS…..

Everytime I feel myself getting to a point where I feel like I am slowly down I do something new.

1) Magnets on the fridge with funny inspiration quotes….


2) Mini magnets on the fridge with weights on them…every time I lose weight I take one down, when I gain I put one back

 

and my favorite one….

 

A goals poster… drew one and wrote all my goals on it…about 40… when I reach a goals I’m gonna mark it off and put 10 dollars in an old pickle jar….. by the time I finish the goals I’ll have 400 dollars to spend!!! I’ve got all kinds of goals – reach my goal weight, run 5k, walk 150 miles…that kind of thing…

 

Everything is made by me….so it’s more personal… kind of like “hey… look at me!!!” you know?

Anything… keep an outfit from when you start your journey so when you are done you can put them on and see how much you’ve lost, make a mural of how you’d like to look. Every time you feel like you are slowing down do something to mix it up. I like to make my own stuff only because I’m an arts and crafts kind of person….it gets me twice as excited to keep going because I now have an excuse to make something.

Just really anything you can think of to get you going will help.

Some people take pictures of themselves in their underwear and stick it in the fridge
Some people will wear weights that equal how much they have lost and walk or run a mile in it
Others write themselves letters

It all depends on what you think will help you…. motivation is a great tool to help keep you on track……

Give it a try!

~Nicole