Fat Girls Guide to Losing Weight

Fat girl’s guide to losing weight.

Step One: Step on the scale and see 223.6 when just last week you weighed 224.2

Step Two: Marvel at the AMAZING .7 pound weight loss

Step Three: Get excited with giddiness because that’s almost a pound and you did practically nothing differently

Step Four: Realize that if you can lose a pound (we’re rounding up, not down! Suck it math teacher from middle school!) without doing anything, imagine how much you could lose actually trying

Step Five: Whip out a notebook and do the math (no calculator? Thanks math teacher from middle school!) to see how much you need to lose to hit your goal weight before your 10 year high school reunion, birthday, summer body, bridesmaid day (sorry, bride, I’m gonna be rocking in my MOH dress)

Step Six: Cringe, because even though you’re riding high on the “lost weight bitches” train, even YOU know that losing 3 pounds a week is super unhealthy.

Step Seven: Mope and pout that you’ll still be fat come those super life changing events

Step Eight: Pull yourself out of mopetown and poutville and decide that a year is farrrr more manageable, I already did a pound in a week!. And “hey! I’m strong independant woman! I can still rock that purfect MOH dress at my halfway point.

Step Nine: MOTIVATION MODE ACTIVATED

Step Ten: Scour Pinterest, weight loss bloggers (who have, admittedly, been in maintaing mode for the last six months), and Instagram.

Step Eleven: Pin, save, subscribe, follow, and RT anything that is remotely motivational. (Bonus points if it’s Harry Potter/Dr. Who/Walking Dead related)

Step Twelve: Write out a FULL list of meal plans, calorie counting, water intake, exercise plans

Step Thirteen: Immediately grab your waterbottle, dump that 3 inches of water that has been sitting it in for a good two months, wash out that weird “old water smell” and fill that bitch up. Grab some cottage cheese and apple slices for snack. Google low impact at home cardio (let’s face it, I know myself well enough to NOT pay for a gym membership right now…annnd those extra 80 pounds are going KILL my knees!)

Step Fourteen: Spend the next week being the worlds most perfect, “I should get my own sitcom,” Instagram ready, blog writing, weight loss guru.

Step Fifteen: Brace yourself, step on the scale, hold your breath, count to three. LOOK DOWN. .3 loss?

Step Sixteen: Temper tantrum ensues. *clears throat* ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! I’VE BEEN AWESOME AND I LOST A MEASLY .3 POUNDS? mentally flips a table, rips off my $90 workout clothes and runs naked, screaming through the street

Step Seventeen: Take a deep breath, give yourself a pep talk in the mirror (“You is strong. You is beautiful, You is gonna smash the hell out of the damn scale!”) and scroll through your “Motivation!!! <3" board on pinterest. Hike up those leggings, and push through next week. Step Eighteen: Repeat until you’ve hit that magical -10 loss. Four months from now. Brag on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…hell any social media platform ever created.

Step Nineteen: Weigh in day Month 5!!! Step on the scale, notice you’ve gained 2 pounds somehow? hellooo birthday cake

Step Nineteen: Repeat steps sixteen through eighteen until the end of time.

#truestory #amirite #thatinnermonologue

I wrote a book! A whole book. That I wrote!

When I’m not momming, adulting, working, blogging, Netflixing… I’m writing.

And after all the YEARS of writing, back tracking, trying to be one of those elusive “pantsers” who bust out a novel in the month of November. The sheer amount of sticky notes, index cards, notebooks, napkins, lost and found thumb drives, thousands of words written and deleted, cups of coffee, my questionable Google searches that always end up with explanations along the lines of “I promise I’m not a murderer, I’m writing a book” or “I swear I’m not pregnant, I’m naming a character.”

Through all of that.

I WROTE A BOOK.

Yes. I did title my first draft as “HOLY CRAP! MY FIRST DRAFT ON PAPER!”

I’m a writer!

I actually finished writing my first draft back in August. And since then, it’s been reading and re-reading THOUSANDS of words that I wrote.

And yes, I’ve been shamelessly posting all about it on Facebook. #noshame

Since that moment there have been many, many, many, mixed emotions.

“Crap. Utter crap.”
“Oooo, that’s good.”
“THIS WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!”
“Whyyyyyy”
“Please, Mom. Don’t ever read this.”
“This is the most magnificent piece of crap I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I go from feeling like all those years of writing Harry Potter Fan Fiction had made this my purpose in life. To wondering why in the hell I actually spent so long doing this.

I guess that’s what happens when you edit your own work.

Yes… lots of edits coming

But before the editing process, a.k.a the process of realizing you suck at grammer, typing, and speaking in general… there is the part where you print.

I’ve known I’ve had a crapton of words written. Believe me. When you hit 86,000 words or 20,000 words, it kind of smacks you in the face.

But when you actually print it out. It’s a whole different story. (Enjoy that pun)

I got paranoid thinking I hit print twice when my printer just kept pumping out page after page.
I took pictures like I’d just rescued a puppy from the animal shelter.
I stroked the pages.
I creepily stroked the pages some more.

But I’m allowed.

Because I wrote a book!

I exercised!

I exercised.

I have actually exercised every other day for the last two weeks.

And let me tell you something.

I’m sore. My legs hurt. My stomach hurts. My butt hurts. I’m just a bundle of hurt.

I’m notorious for not exercising. I have a whole slew of reasons excuses why I don’t exercise.

I’ll do it wrong. I’ll look ridiculous. It’ll hurt. I’ll hate it. I’ll get all sweaty.

And you know what? I was right. 100% right.

I’m pretty certain I did things wrong. I used the modifiers more than the actual moves. I forgot to breathe constantly. Judging by the shadows on the wall (and the horrified look on my 2 year old’s face) I did look absolutely ridiculous. I stopped so many times. What was supposed to be a 5-10 second rest between reps was actually a good 45 seconds of me trying to convince myself to do the next one.

It was quite quite literally a train wreck.

But I did it. I feel like I need a shirt that says “But did you die?”

I haven’t been consistent with exercise in YEARS. Sure, when I first started up again I would sporadically force myself to do some movement. A couple squats here, a few lunges there… 3 second planks. I know I’m not alone here.
Then I’d lose all motivation and stop doing it, stop talking about it…but I’d continue to pin the hell out of “beginners low impact cardio/core exercises.”

Doing this was the exact opposite of bingeing.

If you’re unfamiliar with that cycle… here it is.

Rationalize with yourself why it’s ok to go a little crazy. Go a little crazy (ahem…a lot crazy). Feel awesome while doing it. 20 minutes later have some very negative words for yourself.

Rinse repeat.

In this case it was

Convince yourself to do it. Procastronate while looking for the “perfect workout to do.” Force yourself to do it. Feel horrible while doing it. Curse everything and anything that is related to movement and muscles. 20 minutes later feel absolutely awesome…almost like a superhero.

Rinse repeat.

All in all, folks.

I still hate it. Regardless of how “superhero-y” it makes me feel. I still freaking hate it. I remember back in the past I used to do Pound, and C25k, and I had blast straps…and I would even do some sparring with Josh.

Those things I really enjoyed (except C25k… not a fan of running). Strange to say, but I did like them. I know at this point I just have to find things that I legitimately enjoy. Things I would look forward to doing on a regular basis, rather than finding reasons not to do it.

In all reality, I am not looking right now. I’m just trying to get my butt moving on the rare occasion I can break free with a solid half hour to get things done.

I can’t count dancing in the car or doing dishes as exercise forever. That’s kind of the cheater’s way out, right? Right? (This is the moment where I tell myself that any motion is good motion. And I get a clean house on top of it)

Overall, one day I might exercise and enjoy it. Today is not that day. Today is the day where I hit two solid weeks of regular exercising.

And I’ll take it.

WHAT’S HAPPENING the Saga – Weigh-in Wednesday

You know those moments you have when you seriously question science, your body, and pretty much the logic of the world around you?

Yeah, that moment is now.

Let me break down a touch of what has been happening the last seven weeks in regards to my health, well-being, and weight.

No exercise.
Horrible eating (did I not mention all the pumpkin EVERYTHING I have been plowing through)
Lots of sitting in the form of meetings, Netflix, and car rides.
Coffee.
Some more horrible eating.

That’s pretty the gist of it.

So, let me introduce you to the anomaly that is my weigh in.

Last weigh in: 208.2
This weigh in: 205.7
Lost: 2.5 pounds
Total lost from highest: 65.5 pounds

I have no clue.

Yeah, seven weeks is a long time. But to have lost 2.5 in that time, knowing I was being crappy about all things weight loss?

I don’t even know.

Logic has failed me ya’ll.

I’m not even going to lie. I know at one point I’d gained 6 pounds. Because, let’s face it. I still HAVE to weigh myself. I wasn’t weighing myself every week by any means. Somewhere in those 7 weeks I gained 6 pounds and then lost 8.5

So, I’m just going to say I was outrageously bloated during that time period, and then somewhere along the line I wasn’t?

I’m just gonna shake my head a bit and carry on. Because I have absolutely no clue.

You’re welcome.

Although, in less confusing news. My birthday is in two days!

You know what I asked for?

A milkshake.

I’m just going to take my chubby ass and sit in the corner with all that shame. (and yes, I’ll have my shake with me.)

Freaking Frustrating

This losing weight business is so freaking frustrating.

It’s one of the harder things to do in life.

And this is coming from someone who has carried a child…twice… for 9 months.
Someone who wrote a freaking novel
Someone who has MASTERED THE ART OF SUDUKO IN SCHEDULING FORM (ok, that last one is a stretch)

But for real.

The idea of losing weight for me has always been that it’s pretty easy. Realistically, the idea of it is.

Eat less.
Drink more water.
Move more.

Yay! Weight loss!

Eat Less
Yes, it’s easy to eat less. But for fucks sake, it’s fall. Which means PUMPKIN EVERYTHING. I’ll totally admit I’m one of those girls who turn into a pumpkin come September. Because ALL THINGS PUMPKIN. In the last month I have had more than my fair share of pumpkin lattes, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin pie, pumpkin cookies, and pumpkin cupcakes. And we’re barely one month in. Ohmylanta.

The job I have makes it all too easy to have “lunch meetings” with my supervisor and our team. But for cheese and rice, that means “Let’s get out of here, I’m hangry” is a term that’s said a lot. Or $5 on pizza for our weekly meetings? Or hitting up Wendy’s or A&W or Burger King? And of course… Chubby Nicole is all over that. Though, the last time I had actually just eaten the lunch I packed (spinach wrap with turkey, spinach, mushroom, and deliciousness) before she showed up growling “Fooooood, nowwwww.” So I just sat like a creeper while they ate.

Disclaimer part A: No, my boss didn’t actually sound like that (or did she???).
Disclaimer part B: Had she stopped by 10 minutes earlier, that poor little wrap would have been long since forgotten as I plowed through my Baconator. Just sayin

Drink More Water
I love water. Generally drinking more water isn’t a hard thing for me to do. Especially considering the fact that I have about four different water bottles I use for this. But if you remember one of my last posts I have a hugeslight issue with caffeine. As in coffee. As in I drink mostly coffee. Which, back when I wrote that post I was dealing with a pretty nasty headache due to a lack of coffee…so I decided I was going to swear off coffee. Want to know how that is coming along?

About like that. *She says as she fills her BRAND NEW Maruader’s Map 20oz glow-in-the-freaking-dark coffee mug to the brim with fresh coffee*

So, yes. I am drinking more water…but not less coffee. Which means I’m peeing all.the.time. But, hey. I’m at least drinking water right?

And last but not least…

Move More
How bout nah.
How am I supposed to exercise when I’m chasing two kids around, editing a novel, working 45-50 hours a week, and there is a VERY IMPORTANT SERIES I MUST CATCH UP ON NETFLIX?
A.k.a I’ve been using every excuse in the book to just not. Bad Nicole. Bad Nicole. I get it. Now, I’m still doing my bedtime yoga, and feeling pretty accomplished because my hips are not nearly as tight (after four freaking months). But other than that, my activity level is firmly set in the “sedentary” category.
Yep.

Yep.

So, anyways.

I can only imagine what my weigh-in is going to bring on Wednesday. Considering my last weight in was, ohhhh, seven weeks ago.

Can I convince myself that any weight gain is worth it? You know, because it’s PUMPKIN SPICE?????

No?

Ok then. I guess I should probably stop saying “weight loss is freaking frustrating” when in reality it’s “weight loss is freaking frustrating because I wanna eat everything, drink coffee, and do lots of sitting.”

Accurate.