Fat girl’s guide to losing weight.
Step One: Step on the scale and see 223.6 when just last week you weighed 224.2
Step Two: Marvel at the AMAZING .7 pound weight loss
Step Three: Get excited with giddiness because that’s almost a pound and you did practically nothing differently
Step Four: Realize that if you can lose a pound (we’re rounding up, not down! Suck it math teacher from middle school!) without doing anything, imagine how much you could lose actually trying
Step Five: Whip out a notebook and do the math (no calculator? Thanks math teacher from middle school!) to see how much you need to lose to hit your goal weight
before your 10 year high school reunion, birthday, summer body, bridesmaid day (sorry, bride, I’m gonna be rocking in my MOH dress)
Step Six: Cringe, because even though you’re riding high on the “lost weight bitches” train, even YOU know that losing 3 pounds a week is super unhealthy.
Step Seven: Mope and pout that you’ll still be fat come those super life changing events
Step Eight: Pull yourself out of mopetown and poutville and decide that a year is farrrr more manageable, I already did a pound in a week!. And “hey! I’m strong independant woman! I can still rock that purfect MOH dress at my halfway point.
Step Nine: MOTIVATION MODE ACTIVATED
Step Ten: Scour Pinterest, weight loss bloggers (who have, admittedly, been in maintaing mode for the last six months), and Instagram.
Step Eleven: Pin, save, subscribe, follow, and RT anything that is remotely motivational. (Bonus points if it’s Harry Potter/Dr. Who/Walking Dead related)
Step Twelve: Write out a FULL list of meal plans, calorie counting, water intake, exercise plans
Step Thirteen: Immediately grab your waterbottle, dump that 3 inches of water that has been sitting it in for a good two months, wash out that weird “old water smell” and fill that bitch up. Grab some cottage cheese and apple slices for snack. Google low impact at home cardio (let’s face it, I know myself well enough to NOT pay for a gym membership right now…annnd those extra 80 pounds are going KILL my knees!)
Step Fourteen: Spend the next week being the worlds most perfect, “I should get my own sitcom,” Instagram ready, blog writing, weight loss guru.
Step Fifteen: Brace yourself, step on the scale, hold your breath, count to three. LOOK DOWN. .3 loss?
Step Sixteen: Temper tantrum ensues. *clears throat* ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! I’VE BEEN AWESOME AND I LOST A MEASLY .3 POUNDS?
mentally flips a table, rips off my $90 workout clothes and runs naked, screaming through the street
Step Seventeen: Take a deep breath, give yourself a pep talk in the mirror (“You is strong. You is beautiful, You is gonna smash the hell out of the damn scale!”) and scroll through your “Motivation!!! <3" board on pinterest. Hike up those leggings, and push through next week. Step Eighteen: Repeat until you’ve hit that magical -10 loss. Four months from now. Brag on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…hell any social media platform ever created.
Step Nineteen: Weigh in day Month 5!!! Step on the scale, notice you’ve gained 2 pounds somehow?
hellooo birthday cake
Step Nineteen: Repeat steps sixteen through eighteen until the end of time.
#truestory #amirite #thatinnermonologue